Five AM and Happy

Motherhood is ridiculous.
My daughter woke me up at 5:00 am screaming for me and a fierce rage swept over me. I was so tired, so frustrated that I was alone in this parenting mess, so wanting to be able to sleep through the night, to sleep in late, be irresponsible, be selfish.
But, she is two now and her crying is different now and means something different than it did when she was three months old. I don't want her to cry alone at night, thinking I've deserted her and so I stumbled out of bed and in to her room. Somehow, by the time I got to her room, my rage disappeared. I held her in my arms and rocked her into peace until she was ready to go to bed again, until she knew her world was safe, until she was able to anchor herself to me and the protection I represent and face her night alone.
I don't want to have to get up at 5:00 am for the rest of my life, or even tonight for that matter, but I went back to bed feeling blessed almost beyond bearing, the smell of her skin in my nose.