I'm thinking lately about what kind of daily life I want to live. For years I was so caught up in the "big scheme of things" that I found daily life incredibly difficult. I still do. My tendencies are to race to the finish, to only work at things that contribute to some grand idea that I have in my head of what the purpose of my life is. I have, thankfully, been able to let some of that go and live more presently, but I still struggle. I'm bored and lonely and impatient with God's patient working in my life. I have a hard time sitting still. As I am trying to come to terms with living within the norms of a "regular" life - cooking breakfast, paying the bills, mopping the floor, going to work - I am searching for ways to keep myself awake. There are days when I can hardly help crying because I am so overwhelmed by all of the grace and kindness and beauty I am witness to, and then there are the many days when I just want to sleep through the motions and hours until I can sleep again.
How am I to live? How am I to find a way to stay awake to the wonderful? How do I practice the awareness of God's grace in a daily way? I'm not foolish enough to think there is any one thing to do, but neither do I believe that it's just a matter of trying harder. Two-hundred years ago people had traditions and festivals and rituals that led them to an awareness of the holiness of their day-to-day lives. Something in me longs for ritual and communal expressions of that holiness, of God's holiness in my life. But how do I do that? How do I bring a sense of sacredness to my every day? I don't know yet. I have a feeling it has something to do with living deliberately. Something to do with taking time, giving of myself and moving slowly. Knowing what I'm living towards. But what does that look like?
Really.
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5 comments:
Maybe it's a strange line to like, but this was my favourite, "...and then there are the many days when I just want to sleep through the motions and hours until I can sleep again."
Besides, I'm comfortable with strange. ;)
Your writing is so ... thoughful, and full of wisdom. How do you DO that? It's one of the things I love about Lamott, and you do it well too. Really.
Frick! Why do I make so many spelling/grammatical errors when I respond here? It's SO embarrassing!
*thoughTful
Um, sure. I completely notice all your spelling/grammar mistakes. For sure.
have you ever hear the phrase, "to work is to pray."
i think it's benedictine. they also are also conerned with "practicing the awareness of God* ... daily." obviously their lives include more ritual practice than most of ours do (they tend to live in monasteries :), but i think it remarks on the fact that most of us are not supposed to be contemplative hermit-folk. and our lives as lay people should be lived deliberately (as you said), recognizing at least some of the greater-scheme-of-things type reasons we do everyday things. in your case you probably work to help provide a good life for your child. you likely are grateful for her. and you probably are grateful to God for her. for reasons including these you work- with purpose (i.e. deliberately). the deliberate contribution of something to God is largely what makes that thing holy.
i myself believe that trying harder or more sppropriately is in fact key to practicing awareness of God in everyday life. because the focused attention and intention involved underlie anything we can call DELIBERATE. when actions are not well thought out it is difficult to say that consequences that were not considered before hand were intended or deliberate. living deliberately includes trying harder by definition. and while it is not JUST trying harder that matters, it is certainely a large part.
i thing God says keep me in mind and contribute what you do to me. this is holy life.
Father Joe is a good book that talks about themes like these.
Thanks Milton. I'm so glad you stopped in.
I guess I realize that my daily acivites are holy and sacred, I do not need a monastary for a holy life, but what I crave is expressions of this holiness around me. I want to find ways - build them into my life - of reminding myself of this kindness and grace that I exist within. Perhaps it's because we just came out of the Christmas season with all of its beautiful readings and art and music and concentrated awareness, but I would like to find a daily version of those expressions. Somehow.
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