Scared, Should be Sleeping.

I should be in bed sleeping. I've not been getting much sleep lately and this isn't going to help, but I need to get this out.

I just read a blog that has my heart pounding and I'm feeling all panicky. Panicky and powerless.
I enjoyed the blog, it was thoughtful and beautifully written and intelligent and I liked the viewpoints offered. I thought, "I could be this guy's friend, he sounds nice". And then I read a post and the ensuing comments about feminist theology and oh wow, I feel ill. I know I'm going out of my base of knowledge here, but there are some things I believe to be true come hell or high water and one of those things is that God is not a man. GOD IS NOT A MAN. (I think I might be a little angry). So, in my line of thinking, if God is not a man and instead, only has characteristics of men, (and women) what is so damn wrong with me using female imagery and pronouns to refer to my creator?
Argh. I need this. I need this. I need her.
Men have been awful to me. I choose to believe in their beauty and goodness and equality and maybe even in their calling to a different expressions of faith than me still, but I need to feel I can call God a woman when I want to without being branded a heretic - that female imagery is valid and beautiful in our faith, just as valid as male imagery. It makes me feel safe, and loved and validated and, I'm rambling....I'm so upset. No half-intelligent Christian would attempt to enforce images of a white God on anyone anymore, why do men still insist on enforcing images of a man-God on women?
Oh. I know I shouldn't care what some goof I don't even know thinks, but it scares me. Probably because most people I know, even most women I know, become angry or defensive if I refer to God as a female. I wish I could just show them how it feels, for a moment, for me. How I feel like I'm supposed to be a second-rate male in all of the hymns and readings with their male pronouns and male Gods, how I feel so ignored and belittled, how I am included by "assumptions," - "Oh, Ang for Pete's sake. You know they mean women too, when they say men."
But I need to hear it. I need to hear that God loves women too. That she doesn't only have sons, that she loves her little girls too. I need to know I'm safe with her, that she wont turn around and ask me to pretend to be something I'm not. I need to know she values the female in herself, or else how can I? I need her to be my mother, just as much as I need her to be my father. I need all of her, all of him.