Worry. I'm not supposed to worry.
God will take care of me.
Right?
Well, it depends on what you mean by taking care of.
See, I have these bills. I have this daughter to feed. I have this desire to write. I need a better job.
Christians go bankrupt. Christians starve to death every day. Many Christians are never able to pursue their desires. Many Christians are unemployed.
Right. Remind me what exactly I'm trusting in God for again.
Well, you're trusting that he will never leave you. That he loves you and wants the best for you.
Yeah. But that's not what I'm worried about. I'm pretty certain God loves me and isn't going to leave me. But what does that have to do with not worrying about paying my bills? How does God not leaving me speak to my worries? Is he just going to hang out with me and be broke alongside us? That isn't really confidence inspiring.
Yes. But God will be with you.
So. I think I'm missing something here. God's just going to help me starve to death gracefully?
?.
This is nuts. What? What does it mean to trust God? I trust in God for the salvation of my soul, but he doesn't seem very trustworthy for the salvation of my body. Am I on my own in this? Does he not care about all of these physical dilemmas? I don't get it. What does it mean? How do I combine my physical self with my spiritual? Is it a matter of relinquishing my ownership of myself? Of allowing God to bring good and bad to my body and my soul and just trusting (there's that word again) that it will all sift itself out in the end? In heaven? And then, there I am, right back to my physical needs being so much less important than my spiritual ones. "Hey Ang, don't worry. You'll get that sparkly crown in Heaven!"
Screw off. I've got a lot of life down here to figure out yet.
I'm alright with bad things happening to me. Bad things have happened to me, and I can handle it. I just wish I understood what exactly God's role is in this life of mine. Just a little clarity. Are you going to give me a hand or not?
You know?
Anyone?
Man alive. It's 2:30. I've got to go to sleep.
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4 comments:
Dearest Angela,
This is God. I have been reading your BLOG since you started writing and have heard you and watched you play and tumble in our garden since the moment you were conceived in my womb. You are as beautiful today as you were the moment your little lips first opened and yawned up at me. You are so beautiful. I did good with you.
I am sorry things have been rough on you lately. You have a valid concern to ask where I have been and just why you are supposed to trust your faith in me after the terrible things that you have experienced. Things don't always make sense. I'm sorry that I have tipped-toed about your life and have not left a solid moment of my presence in your life.
What I am to say may not make you feel better but it has to be repeated in words just the same. Lest talk about it through the gift of motherhood.
You have been wondering about and fighting with the idea of my gender. People have been wondering that since the beginning and during different points in human history my children have fought to the death over it in dire need to control their destinies; to control other people. The truth is that I am both male and female in spirit, in energy and in expression. I am the ever-balanced form of the cosmos. I am complete. In everything that is, I am unseperated. Not too long ago a young man asked me why it is that people are separated into two distinct sexes. This is a good question. The answer has long been evolving on Earth. In the beginning living things were simple in consciousness, in their relationships to each other and in their function. Asexual reproduction looked after life and replication consistently for millions of years. My plan all along has been to unite life back to me so the evolution of life was encrypted into the DNA of every living thing in order that your species may therefore exist. It is in you that I am alive as you are alive. It is through your species that consciousness attains godliness. That is what “things” have been searching for since the universe was created. What this means is that when the universe was created it “forgot” where it came from. That was the price of material manifestation. Remember back to my Son’s story of the Prodigal Son. Recall that when the Prodigal Son left home he almost immediately began to lose his way. This is synonymous with the creation of the universe because the Prodigal Son like the universe (and everything in it including yourself) left me and was no longer “in my home” or that he was no longer living in the grace of my love but sought to find his happiness on his on terms using his own intelligence and his on will. I was saddened when he left because a parent never wishes their child to suffer. Still, I did not stop him. Instead, I blessed him, gave him his share of the inheritance and watched him walk away. My heart never tired of waiting for him, my hopes never waned to see him returned to me. One day as I pined for his returned I saw him coming up the road to my house and I cried and laughed and sang for joy, as does a mother upon meeting her child for the first time. Let us rejoice for the son that was lost is no longer lost but has returned!
This has been part of the plan. But back to sexual division for just a moment… As life evolved I began to manifest myself more and more through the biology of organisms. Hence, the evolutionary limitations of asexual division, for instance, were corrected by the evolutionary explosive potential of sexual division. Sexual division is an important part of the plan and an essential variable in the equation. This is true for many reasons but I wan to focus on one in particular: human love – it’s potential is simply unlimited and is a wonderful reflection of who I am at the core. In you is the Prodigal Son yearning to return. This is love for Me. To return home is something that not all people can attain in one lifetime. In fact it is fuller in the end if it takes time. What’s more, to do so takes a great deal of dedication for most. Even the most dedicated of monks often fall short in one lifetime of meditation and contemplation. Because of the inherent difficulties I devised a different way “back home”. Human love in its perfection (as found between two people who care for one another and are committed to helping each other mature in spirit as they walk the long walk back home to Me) is a simpler method of joining with me in this world. I know, my love… I know that this is a touchy subject for you but please be patient for a little longer. The sexes were split specifically to make it easier for you to find Me. Male and female are reflections of what I am. In me both are in balance so that when they are split they are charged with a tremendous desire to reunite. It is possible to reunite with me through a holy life with another person. A sincere and honest life together awakens the couple to a more profound understanding of the reality and presence of the godhead. That is the blessing I bestow upon the sacrament of matrimony. Of course it is only a blessing and not a forced action. The action of that blessing, the act of love is something that must be willed out between the couple. When human egoes interplay love becomes an effort of great perseverance. The irony is baffling for most. The reason love is so difficult is because the human mind is easily seduced by things that do not nourish our relationship. Just as the Prodigal Son was seduced by the pleasures of the world so too are all who leave My home. In this seduction the history of the universe plays out: a spirit struggling to know itself – to return to the source that is my Love. Despite all the suffering that accompanies our separation I will never deny my children their freedom. Life without freedom is not what happens. It is at this point that I want to talk about motherhood with you.
You are like God, Angela. From the union of opposites you have conceived new life. You have carried this life inside your womb, you have wondered and contemplated its beauty and have given light with wonderful joy. Now, your child grows at your feet; in your heart and in your care she is looked after by your omnipresent love. In your ways you have begun to teach her what you feel she needs to learn in order to be happy. You have rejoiced in all of her new discoveries. You have shed tears with every bump and every bruise. Although she comes from you and is in part and parcel with you, you also understand in your heart that she is unique and separate from you and that this special relationship deserves all the respect and love in your heart. It is from this respect and love that you act with care not to live her life for her. You want to impart influence but not dictate control. You want nothing more than to provide and with every fiber in your being you wish to allow her to be India and nothing else. Still, you have seen terrible things and have experienced gut-wrenching pain. These things fill you with apprehension and fear for her. This is natural. This is motherly. Yet one day she will come to you and tell you that her time has come to leave home. With your blessing your child will leave your home and enter the world to figure things out on her own. You will continue to bless her with the gifts she carries from you in her heart. She will know that your door will always be open to receive her if things go bad. Although you know that the world is treacherous and cruel at times you also know that you could never deny her the freedom to live life as she sees fit. This will be among your greatest gifts: freedom. Every parent must do the same. I have created you to be free. Free you must be. With freedom come the joys, complexities and perils that make life what it is. All must be free and all must choose according to their conscience. You must take your inheritance and make the best of it. All are given differing amounts according to their needs. To say that one has more or less than another is misunderstanding the blessing. Please do not think that I love you less because you have less money than Jane and John nor that I have forgotten my creation because of the suffering on Earth. The opposite is true. I have done much and sacrificed Him that you may see the road home again. I must stress that He pointed the way but out of love for you has left the choices in your life for you to make. People laugh and people suffer. Neither of these experiences are what life is about, my dear one. Life is not a material struggle- it is spiritual one. Your essence is not of this world but of the Lord. Life is the return back home. Enjoy life in all things. Seek me out even in the misery that may befall your days because as for the Prodigal Son in every moment and in every happenstance I am in your heart calling you back home.
For my part I am here to welcome you home but never to live your life for you. You are my child not my slave. Heaven is not blind to human suffering. Rejoice in the gifts of your life. Seek them in the people you see. I am here. Life is beautiful- enjoy it fully but never at the expense of others. This is the Golden Rule. It is from the subversion of this rule that people are made to suffer. Remember that and keep it sacred that others may learn from your example.
Thank you for calling, Angela. I hope that this has helped rather than confounded matters even more for you. Call any time. Love, always- God.
God, my beautiful friend,
I do trust you. But do you want me to believe that you will fill all my physical needs too? I don't think so, but I still don't get it.
LUKE 12.22-31
22 And he said unto his disciples, Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat; neither for the body, what ye shall put on.
23 The life is more than meat, and the body is more than raiment.
24 Consider the ravens: for they neither sow nor reap; which neither have storehouse nor barn; and God feedeth them: how much more are ye better than the fowls?
25 And which of you with taking thought can add to his stature one cubit?
26 If ye then be not able to do that thing which is least, why take ye thought for the rest?
27 Consider the lilies how they grow: they toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
28 If then God so clothe the grass, which is to day in the field, and to morrow is cast into the oven; how much more will he clothe you, O ye of little faith?
29 And seek not ye what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink, neither be ye of doubtful mind.
30 For all these things do the nations of the world seek after: and your Father knoweth that ye have need of these things.
31 But rather seek ye the kingdom of God; and all these things shall be added unto you.
** If we can not trust in the very word of His Son then what do we trust in? One's own intellect? Perhaps we think too much and believe too little? **
Rachell
Rachell thanks.
Yes, it is certainly possible to over think things and imagine in our silly arrogance that we can hold the mysteries of God, but I also think there is a danger in not looking around and saying, "Hey wait a minute! God said he would clothe us, but I'm naked. What does that mean to me, to my understanding of faith?"
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