I've been thinking about prayer. I come to God for myself, for family, for friends - known and unknown, and I find I am full of so many silences.
A few days ago, a friend was telling me of a difficulty in her life and she said, "I just don't understand how it works, you know? We prayed and prayed about this decision and everything came together, and so, we went ahead and it has been terrible ever since."
Yes. I do know.
And I wonder where the disconnect is between what we are asking for and what God is saying yes to.
And I wonder if we are expecting too much.
And I wonder if we are getting it all wrong.
And I wonder if we pray loaded prayers.
And I wonder if we confuse "yes" for "heaven".
I don’t understand this at all.
More and more, all I can do is put myself, and those I love, right out in front of God. We all stand there, looking at God, looking at us.
And then eventually, I say, "Amen".
And sometimes it feels like enough, and sometimes it feels like nothing, but every time, I leave knowing that God saw me.
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4 comments:
I find it really hard to pray for things or issues in my life- it's hard for me to admit but I don't have faith that prayer can change what happens to us. It's what I've been taught my entire life & it is what my community is telling even now. I think that it can change us but not life around us. I am uncomfortable with the thought that one person's voice is louder or more important then another- so their prayers are answered and another's are passed over. And yet that is what I've been taught.
I am equally uncomfortable with predestination & "Gods plan" and I can't help but feel we have shaped our faith around our fear. Maybe we highlighted the wrong words in our Bibles. We made our choice in the garden, now we must live the life that was chosen in the beginning. Raw deal or not.
I know the way we pray and our expectations are directly linked to how our community around us prays but I wonder if we can go back- back past Baptist, past Pentecostal, past Lutheranism, past Catholicism, past the influence of our history and see what prayer was about in the beginning... Or maybe I'm wrong and we never did have the right connection & that’s why we traveled those many paths in the first place.
I don't know - I think you are right & we can only go back to what you say, "all I can do is put myself, and those I love, right out in front of God. We all stand there, looking at God, looking at us. And then eventually, I say, "Amen".
And sometimes it feels like enough, and sometimes it feels like nothing, but every time, I leave knowing that God saw me." That is really the core of prayer- having faith that you have not been passed over- that Her face shines upon us.
I love the image of you standing before God, how beautiful. I too struggle with prayer. I have experienced feelings of being misunderstood, unheard and unanswered. My prayer life reflects that. When I think about prayer being communication with God I am reminded that all communication takes practice, hard work and perserverance and most of all being present.
I have been praying it safe, just asking for things that I wont be dissapointed if the answer is no, thanking God with a less than sincere attititude and being rather fluffy, mechanical and desperate.
It was my nephew who is three who challenged me to really get serious about talking with God. He responded to the news of his Poppa being sick with cancer with "well we just need to ask God. God can make Poppa better." I realized that I had not wanted to ask God for healing for fear the answer would be no. Oh me of little faith. I then thought what would my response be if God asked me why I didn't bring my step dad to Her.
I realized I will never really get to know God or grow in my relationship if I don't start asking God for things that matter. I need to start spending time getting to know the heart of God and start being more active in my communication with God if I really want to know what prayer is about.
I prayed for a long time for my parents marriage to be saved, it wasn't. I have prayed for a lot of things and have not gotten the answer I wanted or what felt like any answer at all. After many years I can see why God does not always say yes, why I don't always get answers and why God still wants to hear from little ol' me.
thank you for your thoughts, anon. you've helped me define some more of my murky questions, especially, "what was prayer in the 'beginning'"?
like you, i recognize that i pray as my faith's history has taught me. i know that it is impossible to live completely outside of that history and so, my question becomes - what distilled truths can i melt out of it? i think, more than anything, i am craving communion and affirmation - of my existence and my struggles. in church last week the speaker said, "much healing happens when people feel they have been heard," and i thought, "she's right."
and i thought, "that's so simple."
and i thought, "why are we still so unhealed?"
i also wonder, if like so many other things, god is found in our attempts at holiness (in this case prayer), in the process of our purification and not the product of answered prayers in the form of nicely understood lives?
also, (and i hope i am not misappropriating your ideas, but, maybe you are like me in this?) it's not that i don't have the faith that prayer can't change what happens to me - i believe god can do anything, but i see that she rarely does change circumstances, usually hearts, and so, i am trying to step back and allow god to tell me what she means by working in us in this way, and not that. i think that's alright.
oh karen,
"I realized I will never really get to know God or grow in my relationship if I don't start asking God for things that matter. I need to start spending time getting to know the heart of God and start being more active in my communication with God if I really want to know what prayer is about."
thank you. thank you.
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