The Skinny, The Lowdown, The Shit

I do not consider myself a dramatic sort of person. In fact, I hate melodrama. Even as a teenager I was mostly rational and unangsty. I think that's one of the reasons I find all of "this" so difficult, especially the "love" part of "this". The God stuff, well, I've known for a while now that it would rise and fall in different patterns of my life, and I'm alright with that, because God goes with me in those places, and I've got my anchors buried down deep in some pretty good dirt. But man, the love stuff? That's some tough shit. I spend a lot of time thinking about love. The problem being, that I'm a romantic at heart with the brain of a cynic. I want to believe all those frosty picture ideas of redemptive love, of marriage as an earthly reflection of God's love, but the problem is, well, life, specifically my life. My experiences, are the problem.

So, I write, and think, and miss my turnings while I drive, forget what I went downstairs for, burn my hair with the blow dryer (yes. Twice in 2 days), and wonder if there is such a thing as a good marriage, if I will ever grow scars instead of open wounds, if I'll ever be able to trust a man enough again to love him. And, I read about love, enjoy other people's love, collect pretty words about love, and all the while, even as I type these words, my heart is cringing at the "drama" of it all.

Love, love, love, love, love.

And it always gets harder when there are kind faces that would like to kiss these ol' lips of mine. I mean, "Really?" Only a saint would give a relationship with me a shot (it's alright. It's true). There's so much shit to get through, before you get to me. And not only that, but you would have to move at glacier speed, or I would run off.

So, I'm trying to give myself permission to be angsty. I hate it. It embarrasses the hell out of me. But really, there's nothing to be done for it. I know that I don't really want to give up on believing all those beautiful things about love that I know are true, it's just going to be messy for awhile. Um, maybe for "awhile until I'm dead", awhile.

Now you know.