*I just found out, ten minutes ago, that my dad was accepted into a year long rehab program. This is not the first time he has gone into rehab, so I'm not going to hold my breath (ya. tired, broken heart), but he's thrilled. My mom's thrilled. The rest of us are thrilled, because it's a year where we don't have to worry about him, or deal with his scar-inducing antics.
*Once, there was a girl who adored her dad.
I don't believe there will be a happy ending on earth, for my family. There was a time in my life when I would have thought that near sacrilege to say, let alone believe, but in a way I am only coming to understand, it is now a relief to accept. I can quit waiting for everything to work out. I can keep breathing when all hell breaks loose. I can try to value the journey and the holiness of the attempt. And, I can put Heaven, back where it belongs - with God, and resurrection, and sanctification, and new creation, and, at the end of all this brokenness.
*Somewhere, under piles of rotting anger, I know without a doubt that I love my dad - ugly past and all. I wrote a short story once, about him growing up. It's one of the only ways I can still feel love for him - by thinking of him as a skinny-chested little boy, with his black hair parted and combed, his heart, vulnerable and abused. The other way I can still feel love for him, is when I imagine the day, these bodies turned dust, that I will watch him coming towards me, brokenness healed, and see his life, and soul, and heart, as it was meant to be: holy, wholly beautiful.
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6 comments:
I thought the same things about my brother & dad once.
I was even glad when my brother went back to prision (for drugs)so that we would not have to deal with him. Worrying whether or not he'd be found dead...hating answering the phone when he'd call because I knew he only wanted money... always wondering how a believer can fall away so far, so fast and so hard. But,through the years,God has taught me to never give up hoping for a person to return to his senses. After all, what is our hope in God? According to Romans 8:24 & 25, it's something we cant see but it's an important building block of faith.
So, why not hope for people now, today, right here? My favorite pastor said the other day,"God likes to put a comma where we often think a period should go."
I had put a period on my wife- beating, drug abusing, low -down jerk of a father, but God got a hold of him, after years and years and years of this behavior and today, he is a new man who gives thanks to our Lord everyday for the chance to make up for his past.
My brother has been on/off of drugs for 20+ years, and is in prision as I type. But, I will always hope for his recovery even if it takes the rest of my natural life.
Never give up on people. Hope,Hope and keep on Hoping. Hope today, right now. God does great things, & although that doesn't mean everyone will recover from an addiction, it will do wonders for your heart, your life and your legacy. I've prayed for you every day since I found your blog.(Today I will pray for your hands feel better.)
my ideas on hope are definitely in flux right now. while i recognize that god is capable of doing anything, i also recognize that this is not heaven, is never going to be heaven. the thing that i still find admirable in my dad is his tenacity. we have all joked together as a family (him included) that when he dies his tombstone should read something to the effect that he never stopped trying. i think, what i am starting to believe (and yes, still refining) is what it is i am actually hoping for. i am trying to learn to find goodness in the struggle, and not in just the solution, because ultimately, death is our solution, no matter what happens on earth, and if my dad never comes to the point of winning this "battle" i do not want to see him as only a man defeated.
i'm not sure hoping in my dad's recovery will do wonders for me, paj. in fact, it's done a lot of harm in the past. i do believe in hoping/celebrating that one day, past this life, he will be healed. Our lives here, are such specks. We see so finitely.
i think it is possibly a redefinition of terms for me - as in - what is "success" for my dad? no matter what god does in his life over the next year, over the rest of his life, my dad will always be broken, as we are all broken, and carry the results of this brokenness in the ways in which his life plays out. it is very possible that the miracle to come from this will be our ability to love him still.
god is more than welcome to knock me off my ass and show me what a little know-it-all i am. it would be nice. but right now, all i can do for my dad in so far as hope is concerned, is look beyond this life, and find what peace i can, in that.
as always paj, i am grateful for your prayers and the open heart you have taken me into.
yes shan. with love. always with love.
pass the kleenex.
you hit the nail on the head !
I think what I [personally] have found is exactly as you put it-"the goodness in the struggle and not the solution" My brother may never recover, & I was blessed that my dad did.
And (to Shan) it was only after hoping for so long and going through much heartbreak, so I totally get what you meant.
I have to check myself once in a while, because the joy and goodness I feel now after having strugged with a very scarred past and living to tell about it, tends to turn me into one of those annoying cheerleader-types.
H-O-P-E Hope yes you can, blah blah blah! ! !
I can be too happy for my own good sometimes, for I realize a lot of times people just need to let it all out. sorry ;-)
No, don't be sorry. Joy is a beautiful thing. But listening is good too. ;)
ang, remi is seriously thinking of banning me from your page cause they make me cry to much,I'm just plain old tired of hoping for dad, but I just wish I didn,t have to wait till heaven to see my old childhood hero. oh shit now im crying again. poor remi he just doesn,t know what to do with all these pregnancy hormones:)maybe i will go back and read the funny things india said and then i need some icecream luv you big sis:)
kim, i think i'm going to have to write a post about you calling me "big sis". it's weird. i always forget that i'm a "big sis", because i only ever think of caroline in that role, and she's so good at it. i like it though. it makes me think i should be offering sage advice, coming into the delivery room with you, baking pies...oh, i talked to mom about doing some canning this fall. that would be fun, hey?
i'm glad you cried. at least we can all still cry about it. that's good. so, mess off, remi! (in love, brother, in love!).
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