So tired.
I didn't have time to pick up India and go to our church after work this morning, so I thought we could visit one close by.
Huh.
I don't fit in church anymore. Not at all.
I actually had to cover my mouth because I couldn't help a, "holy fuck", from slipping out, as the pastor went through a step-by-step procedure for how to determine if you were sick because you sinned, or because God was making you sick to manipulate you into faith. He had God all figured out. Nice and neat.
I wanted to leave. No. I wanted someone to pick me up, tuck me in bed, and reassure me that God and Jesus and their good friend the Spirit, did indeed, still love the fuck out of me. That white knight never showed up, so I stayed as long as I could. Prayed a little, tried to be softer, and then left when the worship music and dim lights reached its predetermined orgasmic crescendo.
Oh God, I'm sorry.
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7 comments:
Oh, Ang. What a tragically embarrassing disgrace church and church-people can be. When will people learn? What must God think when he/she sees all of this shit? What is going to have to happen to make us all aware of where God's heart is, and where it isn't?
What a shitty experience. I hope you found glimpses of God regardless.
Ang I think you should just "let go and let God" deal with this pastor......
caroline
After reading my post I thought that I should make sure to add "I'm kidding".
Caroline
you know, girls, i guess i saw pieces of god in the desire that they had for him. i watched all these people coming forward for healing, and i thought of how they're all just trying to be close to god, get rid of some pain, understand why things are so hard. i can't fault that.
i just wish there were as many, no, five times as many, people standing at the pulpit saying - look how hard this life thing is. i don't get it. i'm all pain, but somehow, i'm still alright, and god is still good.
some days i would like to hear someone say, "fuck victory. let's just hold hands for a while."
ya know?
I love this. You and Ann Lamott must be soul sisters. Or real sisters. I half laugh half cry at your beautiful posts. Fantastically tragic... wonderful. I can't decide.
leisel,
32 flavors and then some, hey?
it's nice to know that there is some redeeming beauty in all the freakishly ugly. thanks for the encouraging words.
That's how I'm kinda feeling in church nowadays. Maybe we should be more purpose-driven????
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