What I don't understand and what I could really use some help with is what we are expecting here.
The answer is no. "Should I accept only good from God and not bad?" The answer is no, no, no. And yet, I find that it's gotten to the point that I only expect difficulties from God and I feel naive and selfish hoping for the good. I was on the phone with one of my best friends this past week and we were catching up because it's been so long, so long, far too long, and she asked, "But how are you really doing?" and I had to try and not cry because, of course, I hate to cry and because I hate the phone and I said, "If my face were my self it would be flinched, ready to be hit."
I'm all scrunched up, bracing myself for whatever is next.
And
it
is
so
exhausting.
AndIdon'tknowhowtostopitandrelaxandexpectsomenicefathappinessthisway.
Really.What are we expecting here? When we get past these lives focused on our selves and our success and our drugstore magic books on The prayer of Jabez, and The Secret, and The Power of Positive Thinking and all that shit, when we get to the heart of ourselves, our lives and it's quiet, so quiet that you could hear a heart string pop, and God's face is right there in front of my nose that I wish he would have made cuter, then what the hell am I hoping for from him? Because I think I'm broken and all the king's men haven't a clue how to help. Because I want it to come easy for a while. Because this is the truth, the grind, the everyday, and I'm sweating here, and it's hard, so hard. Just like my dad said it was.
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9 comments:
The truth you put out there is so real, and I appreciate you setting it in the middle of the room. It's frightening to know how to answer, but it shouldn't be. Angela is going through an exceptionally hard time, and no one can truthfully say, "Aw, it'll get better in a bit." Sure it might. It might not, and you're maybe not as worried about that as we are.
I shouldn't speak for anyone else; I only know it's been scary in my life to look at other people when their faces are ready to flinch from the next thing God will send them.
That all has to do with my lack of understanding about God. If I listen to the one person who understood (who came along to enlighten dull minds, using phrases and words other than the tired ones people in Palestine were used to and therefore causing quite a stink), I begin to think it's about expecting to be poor (poor in spirit, material stuff, doing this life, etc.); meek (not being thought of as SOMEBODY); a mourner.
The other part of it, though, is expecting this existence to give things no one can take away, and to be a prelude, rather than the main deal.
I often get glimpses of that sort of thing from your writing, Angela, and I guess I should've emailed, but there's my theological essay for today.
i'm glad you put it all out there in the open, deanna. thank you so much. it helps to hear what you've learned/are learning in your own life.
Sometimes it is hard, so hard, just like Dad said, and sometimes 'so hard' lasts a danged long time, and one begins to get used to it...sort of.
Then, a little sweetness this way comes. And it's so sweet you feel utterly refreshed. It really really helps the moment, and the days ahead, for you see it full-color, taste it with all your buds, smell it down to your belly, and let it wash all over you. You would never have appreciated it fully, or rolled around in it as long, if you hadn't had such a bleak, rough time beforehand.
For me, the trick, the peace, comes in not expecting things from God at all, apart from knowing that all he gives is good and right - even it saps you thoroughly for too many seasons. Sometimes you go week by week, and sometimes it's minute by minute with strain and flinching.
Somehow we get through, don't we. And the payoff is that we do learn stuff, we do get smarter, and we do come to understand......a little.
You are terrific, Angela, flinched up face and all.
i dunno about that pay off, cherie. can't i just take a class?
i can't help but wonder though, if we are not expecting anything then what are we praying, "give us this day our daily bread," for(and all its variations)? what are the rules to this relationship we're in? what does it look like?
ugh. this isn't the easiest format for these ideas/discussions. i'm just thinking. thanks for thinking with me.
My Uncle who raised me always told me that "The hard times are a gift to show us how to appreciate the good times":)
I think I've stopped expecting good or bad... I just take life as it comes and figure God will help me through. But I sometimes wonder if I'm missing out... I have this heart open to God and when things happen I breathe "Thankyou God" or yelp and mutter "What was that about?! Huh?" then I just trundle along thinking that God knows best and he'll hold me through the good and bad. But if I expected more from God... would he give it?
This is jumbled and confused. What I'm saying is... I'm not convinced the bad comes from God. It comes from life and he helps me deal with it. The good I acknowledge as from God. (An anomaly here perhaps) At times I wonder if I need to be more pentecostal and proactive - confess it and profess it. But I'm not convinced God works that way. Am I missing out because he really does work that way and I'm not taking advantage of it? Or am I just acknowledging that life happens and God is part of it in an inexplicable way so I should sit back, experience the ride and stop trying to explain it? Hmmmm
I'm not actually sure if this has anything to do with your post - I read it a few days ago and just came back now... but may God come through as the nourisher of life within your soul. No matter the circumstances.
mike,
your uncle probably knew what he was talking about. you kind of get past the age of, say, thirty, and realize that life is a little trickier than it might have looked, hey?
thanks, cecily.
it has a lot to do with my post!
I think what is really lying under the surface of what i wrote and also what i've been trying to figure out for some time now is the idea of hope. am i supposed to be so heavenly minded that the things i have lost are inconsequential, and to hope for some sort of fulfilment here, immature? i don't think so, but i don't get how it all works.
i know. it sounds like i'm an eighteen year old again, asking the same questions i did then. I also know the details of my life are important to god. i know the real, true beauty and goodness of god are found in the day to day recognitions we have of god with us in everything. so i know these things, but i also am trying to move my way around hurt and loneliness and disappointment (like we all are. i know i'm not special) and i see others who never seem to recover from loss and never regain any version of what they have lost, and i can't help but wonder and worry about that sort of hopeless view. i don't think i'm tough enough to say, "ah, this is good enough. who needs a home or husband or health or father. god is enough." i know that's the ultimate goal, to let god be enough in all things, but good god, i'm not there yet and i don't know what to do with all these empty places.
phewf.
i really got on a roll there.
as always, cecily. i appreciate your thoughts. thanks.
yes, so much.
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