I just came off a thirteen hour, overnight-awake, shift. I should be dead tired. But, I lay myself down, and just as I began to sleep I jerked out of it. I'm wide awake. Again.
Sleep has not been a good friend of mine for three years now. And I'm tired. If I could just crawl into bed, regularly, without that immense burden of fear pressing on me, I would be so grateful. I could make lists and lists of things that keep me awake, but I think at the base of most of them all is the feeling of powerlessness. So much that has happened to me, has happened to me. I have been completely unable to stop, staunch, direct these immense events, and they have changed me so much, that I hardly recognize myself some days.
I have become terribly aware of my own inability to control my life, like a bird caught in a storm, tossed into tree branches and windows at random. Sure, it's flying, but it's also disarmingly similar to crashing.
3 comments:
Frick. I love your brain. How do you word everything so perfectly?
Fly, crash, fly. Whatever it looks like, you're doing it all beautifully, Ang. So beautifully. And with such depth and grace.
You are a hero. An inspiration. A role model. A pioneer. A brilliant human being. I love you.
If you ever get bored & need something to do, maybe you & I can co-author a book of anecdotes about sleep, or non-sleep. I love your comments. On second thought, maybe I'll just "let" you do the book all by yourself!
shan,
you're so good at picking me up, and cheering me along. thank you so much, my friend. i love you too.
ann,
deal!
i've got a lovely, red spare room. when you've had enough of your fine state, you can come and visit my beautiful province. we'll write us something brilliant.
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