Sunday, April 02, 2006

April 2, 2006

A few weeks ago a man told me that I was beautiful and sad. For a moment, that little-girl romantic in me breathed in a small sigh for the pretty drama of it all; and then the grown-up girl came and walloped her over the head.
I’ve been thinking about these things a lot – how the reality of having to live through and recover from an ugly situation is so much less exciting and romantic than the idea of it. I would like to imagine that a kind man could come along and love me so much and take such good care of me that I couldn’t help but fall in love and trust him and feel redeemed by that. But the truth of it all is that I haven’t been able to grasp how to let God redeem me yet.
I’ve got to do this on my own. “This” being let God make it better. I know what it will look like if I don’t. It will look like me trying to eat a nice boy up, soul and all, as I try to fill in that damn ache.

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