Dear God,
It's like this.
I drive past a family out for a walk, a pretty house with the sprinkler ticking and the trees growing, and my ribs contract, and my stomach muscles tighten, and I'm crying, but there is no noise. Because God, when there is a noise, it doesn't sound like it should come from my throat. It doesn't sound human and I don't think I can hear that noise anymore.
Today, I'm wondering if you've given all of your goodness to someone else, and have nothing left for me.
Today, I'm wondering why in the hell you thought it was alright for one more thing to be taken from me.
God, I know all of the right answers; which is to say, there are no right answers to be had. Only faith. Only a lot of silence.
But the problem is that I could do with a word, right now.
And this, I don't understand: how I could hate you and love you, so fiercely together, at the same time. You are the keeper of my destruction and my salvation and I am so angry, and so grateful. And if you had a body I could touch, I would smack you full in the face, and I would wet your neck with my tears, and I think I can still love you, because I know you would let me do both.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
you've been in my thoughts lately.
you would know much more about the subject than I, but it is awful to feel as though God is holding you out in suspension before the wind and the rain; being held in the hand of God, but at an arm's length.
i hope for you.
I loved this letter. And I love Joel's picture of God holding you at arm's length. I really connected with that sentence. And I felt like it really connected with what you were saying, Ang.
Health - what's going on there, if it's okay to ask?
xoooooo (my hugs are better than my kisses)
joel's pretty cool, hey? i met him at l'abri last summer. you should check out his blog (i hope that's alright, joel).
health. yeah. i forget what i've written or not written about, and assume people know.
i was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis when india was about nine months old. it was pretty bad for a while. it's not so good right now (i ran out of my pills). but my medication is miracle worthy and when i take it faithfully i can almost forget I have it. when i forget to take it, i can hardly walk.
gross.
Post a Comment